Experts Discuss The 2 Types Of Love And Why One Is More Likely To Last

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“What’s love but a second-hand emotion?” sang the late Tina Turner in 1984. In the hit “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” for fear of a broken heart, she extolls the “thrill of boy meetin’ girl” while expressing skepticism over the fact that “it means more than that,” that the attraction needs to last.

A TikToker’s viral post put it another way by stating that there are two types of love in every relationship—an idea that builds upon the popular Triangular Theory of Love put forth by psychologist Robert Sternberg in 1986, which describes a love formed of three pillars: passion, intimacy and commitment.

The TikTok creator @hannagetshired explained that there is the feeling of love, which is the passion and intimacy, and secondly there is the choice to act with love, even when things aren’t so idyllic.

In the video, which has been viewed more than 1.7 million times since it was posted in April, @hannagetshired admitted that after five years together, she and her partner were “really going through it,” but now she said they “are still together because of this concept of the two different types of love.”

“Love the feeling ebbs and flows, it’s not always there. But it’s love the choice that keeps you from losing the relationship,” she added.

Laura Wasser, the chief of divorce evolution at Divorce.com, told Newsweek that she’s “inclined to agree” with the idea that love is a feeling yet also a choice. As she has seen many relationships break down over time, she believes that if couples have a better understanding of the types of love at play, it could be a “game changer” for them.

“Love is definitely an emotion, it’s those butterflies in your stomach when you first meet someone, the spark in your eye when they walk into a room. It’s passionate, intense and all-consuming,” said Wasser. “But then there’s the choice of love. It’s the decision to stay together when the butterflies have flown away, when the spark dims, and when holding hands becomes as routine as brushing your teeth. It’s about commitment, perseverance and mutual respect.”

Laura Wasser left, Salvatore Damiata right. These experts have shared what they think about the concept of two types of love existing in a relationship.
Laura Wasser / Salvatore Damiata

For Wasser, the second type of love includes the small acts of kindness that might go unnoticed: being patient with one another, offering support and appreciating each other’s imperfections in the relationship. They might not be as glamorous as the first type of love, but they’re fundamental in the long run.

If couples comprehend the two different types of love at play and use them to their advantage, Wasser thinks that can only strengthen relationships.

“Understanding the duality of love can be a game changer. It’s only natural for the passionate, fiery love to ebb and flow over time. But the choice of love, that’s the constant. It’s the rock you can lean on when times get tough,” she continued. “If you’re not feeling particularly smitten one day, don’t worry. Remember that love is also a choice and an action. Choose to act with love, even if the butterflies are taking a day off. It’s these acts of love that keep the relationship alive and help it to evolve and grow.”

Not everyone is on board with the theory, as the idea of having to choose to act with love intentionally doesn’t quite fit with some ideals.

Salvatore Damiata is the founder of Attraction Truth, a website aiming to improve people’s confidence when dating and making new connections. While he strongly agrees that while love is in part about passion and desire, which creates the intimacy in a relationship, that isn’t love in its entirety.

“Love is not something you choose to do, but who you are inside,” he told Newsweek. “If one is angry inside, anger will come out. If one is loving inside, love will come out.

“The first type of love is what relates to the sexual sphere, and this is what creates the fire and the attraction in the relationship. Those include the playful moments, pleasure, fun, adventures and more. This ingredient is necessary for an intimate relationship to start.”

Damiata agrees with the notion that the first type of love relates to passion, but he has a slightly different idea about what the second type of love entails. For Damiata, the concept that someone should feel the duty and obligation to act with love seems too intentional and not romantic enough.

“The second type of love should not be a choice, but an inner quality that one must cultivate. That’s what stabilizes the relationship and elevates it to a higher level, where deeper feelings and higher energies are involved,” he said. “When a person cultivates love from within, acting it out will be a natural consequence rather than a choice or an obligation. Choosing to act with love is forceful, but choosing to connect to an inner love and expressing that love is another thing.”

For Damiata, the second type of love isn’t about repressing emotions and choosing not to act upon them, but trying to resolve the inner feelings instead. If someone has to intentionally act with love, rather than it come to them naturally, he feels they should question their “relationship status and true inner intentions.”

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