The internet has backed a woman who refuses to attend a memorial birthday service her brother-in-law is throwing for his late daughter because she thinks he has turned this situation into a “grief competition.”
In a post shared on Reddit earlier in May under the username u/Hot-Temperature-4442, the woman explained that her sister’s boyfriend of six years lost his two-month-old daughter about 13 years ago, and since then he’s been doing something special every year to remember her on her birthday.
While in the beginning, he used to just go to lunch with his ex-girlfriend, the mother of his late daughter, now that she has moved country he throws a memorial birthday party instead, inviting all of his current girlfriend’s family to participate in commemorating her.
Getty Images
The poster explained that she also suffered a big loss in her life as at 16 years old, she lost her boyfriend and has been going to counseling ever since.
Her major problem with her brother-in-law is that he keeps belittling her pain every time she mentions it, saying that since he lost a daughter, his pain is “sooo much worse.”
The death rate for infants is more than 751 per 100,000 population, according to the National Institute of Health, and the top causes of death in this group are unintentional injury and congenital anomalies.
The poster wrote: “I’ve never been pregnant or lost a pregnancy so I cannot pretend to know what it feels like, but I’m sick of him lording it over me. For example, there was a period of time last year [when] I lost my appetite and John says ‘When I lost my baby, I couldn’t eat, either. I had lost a part of me. You just lost a ~person~. You weren’t connected. So it’s not as bad.”
The birthday memorial is now coming up and the poster refuses to go but her sister, as well as the rest of the family, told her to “put this pettiness behind” and go, saying that it would be “douchey” of her not to go.
Soula Hareas, a licensed mental health counselor at McNulty Counseling and Wellness, told Newsweek that grief is a very personal thing and she always tells her clients that no one should dictate how they should grieve.
She said: “That being said both of these people suffered a loss that has affected them for years. Many will tell you there is no greater pain than losing a child. How he processes this and honors the child’s memory is his thing and should be completely separate from her grief.
“I understand that she tried to explain that she has suffered loss too and at that young age of 16 when it is your first love—the trauma can be devastating. But, this is not the time to split hairs on who is in more pain. The first or even second time she brought up her pain and it was met with a backlash from him that is obviously coming from a place of extreme hurt and sadness, she should have let it go.”
According to Hareas, one of the hardest things for those grieving is listening to awkward or forced remarks from others, and many people don’t know what the right thing to say is, trying unsuccessfully to let the person grieving know that they know how they feel.
“More often than not the person grieving appreciates the gesture but still feels that the person doesn’t truly understand what they are going through. This is his way of honoring his daughter and it may seem strange to some but it’s his way not ours or anyone else’s to judge. She needs to find a time and a place to process and honor her own grief and not engage in a power struggle even if he is being difficult with her,” she added.
Hareas says that grieving can come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, sights and sounds, and opening one’s self up to be vulnerable when you are in so much pain from a loss is scary and she should just respect what he is doing.
She added: “A void from a death doesn’t ever truly get filled again the same as it was before. What he said was hurtful but she needs to give him a hall pass as we say on this one and attend the event that is about a little baby if she can disconnect her own grief and focus on the event. I guarantee that almost everyone attending his event to honor his daughter has lost someone whether a parent, spouse, etc… but this is not the time to turn the attention to yourself. It is a time to honor this baby and support this man no matter how much time has passed.
“If she doesn’t feel she can do it then it’s her decision to not attend but she needs to own that decision and understand that she needs to do what she needs to do for her own grief processing and it may look completely different than his but that doesn’t mean he is wrong or hers is wrong either. He was not a nice person in what he said and how he said it but when it comes down to it they are both people who have been broken by death and loss and need to respect that about each other.”
The post originally shared on the r/AmItheA****** subreddit quickly went viral on the platform, receiving over 10,700 upvotes and 1,500 comments.
One user, Prestigious_Isopod72, commented: “So, John has turned his grief into an annual theatrical event and forces your entire family to attend as his captive audience. Sounds super performative and disgusting. [Not The A******].”
And Chocoahnini said: “He doesn’t want support, he wants attention. Milking the situation so people feel bad for him. I’ve lost a pregnancy, it hurts. It really does but I would never turn it into an anniversary where I go to eat out with my ex and bring a poor family into it too. It’s horrible, don’t go, if he doesn’t care about your loss and feelings you don’t need to do the same. [Not The A******] and I’m sorry this is your family.”
GardenGood2Grow wrote: “For 13 years he has been hosting a wake for a dead baby? I don’t think you need to feed into that.” And mongoosedog12 added: “Agreed it’s performative. Sounds terrible but it is I understand mourning but making it this annual event seems gross. You can memorialize and mourn the loss of your child alone. Not make it a whole event where you then play the grief Olympic is gross.”
Newsweek reached out to u/Hot-Temperature-4442 for comment via Reddit. We could not verify the details of the case.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.