A Soccer Mom Called My Child ‘Weird’—I Felt Demoralized

I am a full-time working mother of two school-aged boys. My husband and I have been through the gauntlet of preschool drop-offs, picking up sick kiddos from school, birthday parties—the whole nine yards.

I think that social hierarchy is more evident once your kids enter grade school, and is definitely on full display when they start recreational sports.

My husband and I have experienced setbacks in our parenting social life because my older son was more interested in playing at home than joining a team.

Two years ago, my son joined a soccer team after two seasons of baseball. My son said he liked the pace of soccer over baseball and wanted to join the same soccer team as a close friend.

At first, my son showed excitement for the game. He got along with his coach, and he got along with his teammates. However, halfway through the season, my son’s feelings changed.

Taking my son to practice became a tug-of-war. My son would protest, hide in his room, or even cry when it came to practice. When I asked him why he felt this way, he ignored my question and said everything was fine.

It wasn’t long afterward I discovered that my son didn’t get along with his soccer mates, which contributed to his reputation as a troublemaker.

Whilst I cannot pinpoint the root cause or the exact moment things soured between my son and the team, I know it was a culmination of things.

My son was excited for the game, but his teammates outperformed him on the field. I think this led to my son having feelings of inadequacy which caused him to react and start saying mean things to his teammates.

The most outrageous thing my son did was empty out all of his teammates’ water bottles while he sat on the sidelines during a game.

I found out later that my son did these things after I caught one of his teammates calling him names. In any social circle, when someone acts out, gossip is likely to follow. Kids will overhear what their parents say inside the home and circulate it at school.

My son repeated one of these things his friends overheard a parent say when they exclaimed, “Thank God!” after learning my son would not play soccer the following season to focus on swimming instead.

I know I’m supposed to ignore rumors when I hear them, but as soon as my older son shared this with me a gamut of thoughts paraded inside my head.

Does everyone think that about my kid? Will they ignore the sweet, inquisitive boy I know and label him a troublemaker? Do they judge my parenting? Will my son be a loner the rest of his school days because of one bad soccer season? Should we forego any team sports for my younger son because of my older son’s experience?

I think the lowest point was the moment I witnessed a soccer parent—who was also a teacher at my son’s school—point her finger at my son and tell her husband—who has never met my son—that: “He’s weird.” I felt demoralized.

My older son isn’t exactly athletic. He likes to run around, but he’d rather play dress-up ninja than participate in a softball game.

I would like to point out a gender double standard here. If my son had been a daughter and she played dress up, the teacher at his school would not call him “weird”.

Looking back, I would like to have learned about my son’s behavior on the soccer team earlier on. My son’s soccer coach tried to work through my son’s misbehavior—however, he got overwhelmed. In fairness, my son’s soccer team had only one coach. The coach managed well on his own, but I know my son’s behavior made things challenging.

I am happy to report my family is in a better place. My son apologized to his teammates and they have moved on from that rough season. I respect the coach and I hope he still works with kids.

As for us, we took a break from team sports. My older son has branched out to other activities and enjoys martial arts and swimming.

Months later, I shared my experience with a trusted mom-friend and her advice was to, “start small, find a happy medium, and stay there.”

What she meant was that I didn’t have to be an “in-the-room-mom” or volunteer for every event, I could volunteer for certain things, and help supply materials for the occasional school event.

To implement this, I volunteer no more than once every other month, I supply materials for every other party, and my husband and I trade off on who helps with sports events. We also give our kids the freedom to explore different activities and recognize them when they admit to us they’d rather try different things than their friends.

There is no magic bullet when it comes to parenting. Once you hit grade school, the parenting dynamics are almost like middle school. I’m very careful who I associate with.

I don’t have the luxury of spending time or money on following “mommy” trends, wear expensive athleisure clothes, or chugging Starbucks by the truckload—although an occasional latte is a nice treat. I’d rather save the money and invest it in my kids’ 529s.

When it comes to raising our kids, my husband and I are a team. We work together to raise our kids, celebrate their victories, cheer our kids on, and support them when they’re feeling low.

My experience has also shown that there are a lot of wonderful, well-meaning parents out there. My oldest son has made some good friends with like-minded parents who just want their kids to thrive, no matter what interests they have or sport they play.

“Let your kids try a sport until they find something they like. They don’t have to be the next Lionel Messi,” is one piece of advice I received that holds true for us.

I know parenting social dynamics may feel like the wild wild west, but not every parent is the bougie-coffee loving, my kid must-excel-in-every-sport, keep-up-with-the-Joneses trope—and if that’s their cup of tea, that’s fine.

For us, we found our happy place and my kids are content and thriving.

Jennifer (Jen) Arthur is a full-time public sector employee who works to benefit the US National Parks and is a devoted wife and mother.

All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.

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