Didn’t Get Picked for an Internal Promotion? Here’s How to Recover

Grieving the loss and fostering resilience can transform not getting a job into an opportunity.

For many people, not being chosen for an internal promotion is an emotionally tough experience — they might find themselves grieving the lost opportunity and having to deal with the fallout from the blow to their self-image. But having someone say “no” after putting yourself forward for a role doesn’t mean your capabilities have suddenly vanished. People can still achieve enormous success if they are proactive about getting back on their feet. But first, they need to come to terms with the reality of what happened.

The Sense of Loss Is Real

Most people who interview for a position start imagining the good things they could gain from the new role before any decision has been made, and so when they are not appointed, it’s a big letdown. From my multiple experiences being passed over for a role, the most common feeling is a sense of loss, partly because of the human tendency to take missing out on a role personally.

The bias we have is to blame ourselves. We think, “I feel disappointed, therefore I’m a loser,” or “I feel inadequate, therefore, I’m incapable.” But that is usually not the case at all. Often, a manager or another leader may have made the decision based simply on what the company needed at that time. But even when someone can recognize that objectively, they still need to give themselves permission to go through a grieving process.

And they are not just grieving the loss of whatever perks the job may have afforded. They can grieve that things have changed, too — the last time I experienced the loss of a role, my team and I had to grieve the end of eight years of working together.

So, allow yourself enough time to go through all five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), and don’t be surprised as you encounter them. It is also important not to focus only on the negative as you grieve. People often don’t know all of the sacrifices that a role may have entailed — the need to travel more may have impacted their family, for instance. There is a positive side to everything, so don’t be blinded to the good.

No matter what mix of feelings people might have, suppression only leads to denied feelings coming back up with a vengeance, often at the worst time. Go to the gym and hit a punching bag for an hour. Do whatever it takes to let yourself feel and release the emotions.

Be Honest About What Happened

Self-reflection can be a big help through the grieving process. Whether people reflect with a therapist, mentor, or another trusted person, a third party can help them be honest about the situation, rather than playing to their ego. I’m a people-pleaser by nature, so I know I need somebody to challenge my assumptions by asking, “Do you really think that’s the case?”

Actively seeking feedback can be appropriate. In one interview sequence I had, there was a lot of tension between the interviewer and me — it was heavy enough that, when another person opened the door to our room, I could tell they had felt the latent conflict. Asking for feedback about that situation would have been healthy for me.

Also, feel free to ask HR questions if the role was an open position. They are going to do a gap analysis anyway, so ask, “What can I work on? What’s the gap I’m facing?” Take the situation as both a chance to reevaluate your application or position and an opportunity for continuous improvement and skill development.

Reevaluate, Be Patient and Stay Positive

Resilience and adaptability can be game-changers when someone doesn’t get the job they want. Take what you learn from HR or others and seek out ways to pivot and grow. I take an AI class every Wednesday, not because it’s required, but because I believe AI will be a skill of value in the future.

Reevaluate what deserves your focus. If you were inwardly focused on a promotion, power or money, for example, maybe now you should be more outward-focused and concentrate on getting the people on your team to a position where someday they could take your job. After all, nobody works forever.

Once you have confirmed your goals and priorities, be patient. This is hard for the current generation coming in — young workers expect career success to be immediate. But that’s often not the case. Eventually, the upward triangle narrows. As people face more competition moving up, advancement slows down. Someone who is always job-hopping may never build the network needed to take the next step.

Finally, continue to act professionally. Bringing others down will only mean they won’t want to work with you. Instead, lift them up and keep having a positive influence.

Getting Over the Bump

At some point when applying for another position, the person who missed out before will have to admit they were passed over or hit a ceiling. So, be proactive about your career and personal development. Participate in activities that can help you rebuild your sense of self, such as getting involved with a not-for-profit or mentoring someone else. People who show they have been active since being passed over send a strong signal they can and will continue to work hard even when times are tough (and times are always going to get tough).

Not being chosen for a role can knock a candidate’s confidence, but it doesn’t mean they did anything wrong, lack skill, or cannot contribute. The best way forward is to work through the loss of opportunity, reorient, and be proactive about the next steps. For those who stay focused on progress and use setbacks to foster their resilience, patience, and adaptability, “no” becomes just a bump in the journey toward even better opportunities, not a roadblock.