The potential for tension is always there when two families interact as two people start a relationship, and one man has found himself in a tricky situation with his future sister-in-law.
In a Reddit post to the subgroup Am I the A******, user LunarTiger747 said his family is Asian and his future sister-in-law is white. “She rarely comes to family dinner because she doesn’t like the smell of our food,” he wrote. “She doesn’t join in our celebrations because it’s so different. For example the lunar new year is a huge celebration for us and she calls it a fake new year we made up just to party.”
With his brother’s wedding just around the corner, an issue arose. “Surprise, she didn’t want any of our culture in it. It got to the point that my parents almost refused to go,” the poster wrote. He said they had a “huge sit down to smooth things over and I was actually on my brother’s side…. I told my parents it is their wedding and we should stay out of the planning.”
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The poster said that his girlfriend is also white “and loves trying new things that my culture has to offer. Some things she loves, other things she likes, and she downright hates some things. The main point is that she tries them whether it’s music, food, or traditions.”
In 2010, a record 15.1 percent of all new marriages in the U.S were between spouses of a different race or ethnicity, according to the Pew Research Center. This was up from 0.5 percent in 2008.
The poster said that in his family “the family of the groom gifts their new DIL a necklace, earrings, and another piece of jewelry during the morning event on the wedding day. This set usually cost $40-50k in my family tradition.” Because of his future sister-in-law’s attitude and remarks, the poster suggested to his parents that they not honor this tradition. “I said I wasn’t chipping in and suggested gifting her a toaster.”
But his brother and future sister-in-law didn’t take this news well. “He called me an AH and told me that unless I (and my parents) follow through on the jewelry gift, we are uninvited,” he wrote.
Chloe Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and the author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety, spokeabout the delicate situation.
“I really admire the writer’s thoughtful desire to respect the new couple’s right to celebrate their wedding however they wish,” she told Newsweek. “It’s very understandable why the bride’s rejection of many cultural customs and opportunities to spend time together feels hurtful to him. This makes his effort to respect their wedding wishes even more admirable.”
Carmichael continued: “His portion of the financial contribution towards the traditional bridal jewelry gift would be quite hefty, but it doesn’t seem like financial concerns are the driver for his desire to withhold. Instead, it could be seen as retaliation for the couple’s choice to reject the other cultural customs he would have liked to be included in the wedding, as well as her seemingly callous rejection of opportunities to socialize outside of wedding-related matters.”
Carmichael said it would be completely understandable for the poster to feel this way.
“This is a situation where the reasons and context matter as much as the decisions,” she said. “For example, if he wanted to decline because of financial hardship or to align with his parents’ wishes, then the situation might be different. But since money doesn’t seem to be a driver, and the parents seem like they would apparently like to proceed, why make it an issue?”
She went on: “He might also ask himself how he would feel if the bride announced that she preferred not to receive any jewelry from his family and explained that she didn’t want it because she just knew she wouldn’t like their style. I imagine this would be perceived as hurtful as well. With this framing, her desire to enjoy this gift from his family could help him to coax himself into what may be a peace-promoting shift in perspective, given his parents’ apparent desire to proceed.”
Some users on Reddit voted that the poster did not act badly.
“Wow. Rude and racist, sounds to me. She’s okay with your culture when it gives her $$$, though. She’s such a gold-digger, it’s comical,” said one commenter.
“SIL doesn’t want anything of their culture or traditions in the wedding…except the 40-50 thousand dollar jewelry. That alright. Definitely NTA here,” said another.
Some users found the poster was at fault. “Cultural norms are not for everybody. Further, you said yourself that your parents should stay out of the planning process,” said one commenter.
“Your mom already picked out the gift? Get ready for a lifetime of passive aggressive in-laws,” commented another.
Newsweek has reached out to LunarTiger747 via Reddit for comment.
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