WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rep. George Santos has promised his fellow House Republicans that, if they allow him to remain in Congress, he will stop using their credit cards.
“I can understand why you’d be pretty honked off at me for putting patio furniture and duvet covers and whatnot on your cards,” Santos, who acknowledged using more than two hundred of his colleagues’ credit cards, said. “But now’s the time to put this whole ugly episode behind us—for the good of the country.”
He also expressed “deep regret” for checking into the Bellagio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas last weekend under the name Marjorie Taylor Greene. “Upon reflection, that was wrong,” he said.
He concluded his remarks by promising that, if he is permitted to stay in Congress, he will use his “mad computer skills” to steal the identities of House Democrats.
“Any of you want a Kawasaki Jet Ski?” he asked. “Say the word, and I’ll charge it to Pelosi.”