When I’m on vacation, whatever I buy is free!
If I did something hard today, like firing fifty thousand people, I deserve a little treat, like a nice, juicy blood boy, and whatever I spend on it doesn’t count.
If I get an interest-free loan, it’s free money.
If I sleep in and skip breakfast, I can splurge on lunch, guilt-free.
If I spend all my money and then scream “BANKRUPT!,” someone will bail me out.
Anything I spend on self-care is free, like a tiny jet pack for my penis.
If something’s on sale and I don’t buy it, I’m losing money.
If I rent out my private jet to lowly centimillionaires, it’s a tax writeoff.
Whatever I spend on my financial future doesn’t count, like an estate in an offshore tax haven, or a one-way ticket to Mars.
If I take out a big loan using a bunch of strangers’ hard-earned money, it’s free.
If a yacht costs four hundred and forty-three million dollars, it actually only costs four-hundred million dollars.
If I pay in cash, it’s free!
If the I.R.S. comes for me, I’ll just show them an UNO “reverse” card. (LOL, JK! The I.R.S. only comes for poor people.)
If my daddy gives me a hundred-million-dollar loan, it’s free money.
If I spend all my money, then look pretty and say “Oopsie!,” I’m off the hook, right?
If I spend three hundred forty-eight million dollars on a gallon of milk, it’s fine, right?
If I had a bad day, I can go out and spend my money on something frivolous, like funding a war in a developing country that I just learned the name of.
If I do something nice, like donating to the elephants affected by climate change or whatever, I can take unlimited rides in my private jet, no problem.
If my government daddy ever has to bail me out, I never have to pay it back. Yay!
Whatever I spend on the Starbucks app doesn’t count.
ANSWER KEY:
These are actually all too-big-to-fail C.E.O.s! Oopsie. ♦