Gray Divorces Spike as More Americans Get Divorced Late in Life

Jen Lawrence felt the stigma surrounding divorce all around her while living in the suburbs of Toronto, but at age 48 she finally took the leap and divorced her husband.

Divorce later in life, otherwise known as “gray divorce,” has become increasingly common as the stigma around ending a marriage diminishes. More than 1 in 3 people who divorce in America are over 50 years old, according to CNN.

It’s a number that’s been slowly rising. Between 1990 and 2010, the divorce rate for people over 50 doubled, reflecting changing attitudes about marriage and self-fulfillment.

When Lawrence, who now works as a divorce coach and financial analyst in Toronto, and her husband made the decision to split, their marriage had been in trouble for a while.

“I had been unhappy for some time, but he was the one who left, which led me to do a lot of soul-searching around why I felt the need to be married and why I put my happiness last,” she told Newsweek.

Now a divorce coach, Lawrence said the reasons some couples stay together for so long concern finances. If one person depends financially on the other, it may delay a divorce or keep it from happening at all.

For Lawrence, a big part of the reason she married her ex, who was her second husband, was pressure from her community about being single at her age. But those expectations are changing.

“With longer life expectancy and the realization that life is meant to be good, many people are looking at a bad marriage and opting out,” she said. “A lot of people in the Gen X generation and older also wanted to stay married ‘for the kids’ and are together until the kids head off to college.”

As time has gone on, Lawrence has found new connections with people who share her experiences. Meanwhile, the gray divorce trend is becoming more common than ever.

“By moving from a suburb into the city, I suddenly found myself surrounded by others who made a similar choice,” she said. “Finding a like-minded community is a key part of gray divorce success. Now, instead of being a fifth wheel at dinner parties, I’m at film premieres and art exhibits with others like me.”

Choosing Happiness Over Marriage

Many older Americans are realizing they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with the wrong person.

Thomas Miller, who’s worked in family law for 23 years, said he’s seen a significant uptick in older couples getting divorced over the past decade. While many on the outside don’t understand the point of a divorce so late in life, older people often decide to end a marriage after years of emotional turmoil.

“I asked a client in his 80s why he wants to go through divorce now, and he answered, Because I want to die happy,” Miller told Newsweek.

In many cases, couples must deal with the empty nest syndrome after their kids move out and grow apart in the process. For others, a lack of intimacy and financial differences can weigh down the relationship later in life.

But another key component at play might be women’s growing economic independence. As women gain more financial autonomy outside of their marriages, the historic monetary factors keeping many couples together no longer hold up.

“Certainly part of the reason we are seeing an increase of divorces in couples over 50 is because women in particular are tired of feeling like they are expected to ‘do it all’ and their countless attempts to address this with their partners has fallen on deaf ears,” Anna Blood, the managing attorney at Blood Law, told Newsweek.

“Women today, more than ever, are willing to stand up for themselves, and in many cases this means divorce from a partner who isn’t supportive of their personal growth,” she said.

Many baby boomers still believed in the idea of a traditional marriage, with moms staying at home to raise the children, but this idea became financially impossible. Today, two incomes are now required to support a home, leading to resentment about household responsibilities.

So while baby boomers were not able to live the way their parents had before them and are divorcing at high rates, Generation X members saw the writing on the wall and are leaving their partners as well.

Many couples likewise experienced the coronavirus pandemic as a monumental moment in their lives, and it pushed them to think about what they truly wanted. For some, the answer didn’t include their spouses.

Altogether, the rise of “gray divorce” is a culmination of the past 60 years of changing attitudes about relationships, according to Daniel Boscaljon, the director of research and co-founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships.

No-fault divorce have been legal only since 1983, and there’s been a generational wave as people realize a happy divorce might be better than an unhappy marriage.

“As people live longer, more people who believed that divorce was immoral, sinful or bad for their families have witnessed the fact that divorce can also lead to good outcomes,” Boscaljon told Newsweek. “Although it isn’t easy or an answer for every situation, it is a way to allow two people to part peacefully and respectfully.”