I Was a Single Gay Dad Who Chose Surrogacy

It was 4:00 a.m. on another blistery, humid night in Dubai. I sat there wasted, staring out the 20-foot window of my 58th-floor hotel room.

Silently staring at the vast city below me, staring at the lights in the darkness on this seventh night in a row, staring at—nothingness.

On that night, it seemed the perfect metaphor for my life to date: An empty, endless struggle to find my authenticity.

Hovering somewhere in the traditions of my upbringing, the cultures of the world I had so vehemently explored in my search of me, my homosexuality, and the desires that did not seem to fit into any of those, I knew the life I wanted existed.

Growing up in a big Italian family was like being part of a lively celebration of life. The aroma of Nonna’s cooking always lingered, inviting us to gather around the bustling family table.

As we laughed and argued, each dish told a story of our heritage. Our home echoed with the sounds of chatter and storytelling in our loud, yet endearing, Italian cadence.

As I entered my teen years and assessed where my identity as a gay man fit into these traditions, I began to question if the expectations set before me truly reflected my own desires, or simply the legacy of tradition.

This was the essence of my struggle—a dance between tradition and authenticity.

And it was this dance that would shape not just my identity, but my journey into fatherhood—a journey that challenged conventions, embraced love in its purest form, and redefined what it meant to be a family.

Approaching my 37th birthday, I found myself in a complicated situation.

Society has expectations, and they seem to permeate cultures globally. Ringing loudly from my own upbringing, there’s an age by which you’re supposed to settle down, get married, get the house and career, and have kids.

Being a gay man, one might assume this pressure wouldn’t affect me as much, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. The same societal voices sang inside of me, echoing the choruses I’d heard all my life.

My desire for a family and children of my own didn’t just stem from external influences, they came from within me, deep in my heart.

In the years I lived in the Middle East, I was an uber-successful producer and director, creating shows for big names like Netflix and Food Network. My life resembled something out of a travel magazine showcasing a jet-setter going off to different corners of the world, from indulging in espresso in Rome, to off-roading through the deserts of Dubai, and experiencing the wild side of Bangkok.

These were luxuries and adventures that I never could have imagined before. I rubbed elbows with royalty and celebrities in these exotic places. But amidst all that glitz and glamor, something was missing.

I would be in a room full of people and yet feel utterly alone. It sounds cliché, but it was my reality. Amidst all the excitement, there was this gentle, persistent void that kept growing inside me.

My story of surrogacy isn’t just about turning the traditional idea of a family on its head or expanding people’s perceptions about what a family can look like. Sure, those things are part of it, but there was so much more.

At its beginning, the common reactions from others were along the lines of: “Surrogacy, huh? That’s a bit unconventional.” Or: “Why not just adopt?”

But for me, this choice was about tapping into something really fundamental, something universal that lies at the heart of every family, no matter how they come together.

I started this journey with a partner, an artist living in Italy, both of us seemingly sharing the same dream: To build a family. But as I continued, I couldn’t help but feel a growing sense of loneliness. Despite having him by my side, I felt like I was going through it alone.

At first, I thought it was just the stress and uncertainty of the process that was causing this feeling. But as time went on, it became clear that my partner wasn’t fully invested. While he had agreed to start a family, his true passion and priority was always his art.

I took every decision and action by myself. I spent countless hours researching fertility clinics, consulting with lawyers, and scheduling appointments and flights, all on my own. I felt he didn’t show much concern for understanding the process or providing moral support.

At times, I would try to talk to him about his lack of involvement and how much I needed him during this process. He would apologize and promise to do better, but things never changed. It became clear that his art was his only baby.

I held onto hope that things would change in the future—deep down, I knew that he wasn’t suited to be a father. His priorities were different from mine, and our views on parenting clashed.

As much as it hurt me to admit it, I had chosen the wrong person for this journey.

A harsh reality hit me as I faced my second failed embryo transfer. The person I thought would be my partner in this wasn’t ready for the challenges of fatherhood. It was a painful truth that ultimately led us to go our separate ways.

Suddenly, I was left to navigate the overwhelming and intricate world of parenthood on my own.

Surrogacy opened my eyes to a world of financial realities that I had never anticipated. The costs of surrogacy, spanning from Canada to the U.S. and across the globe, were staggering, to say the least.

Imagine sitting at your kitchen table, calculator in hand, bracing yourself to tally up the expenses. The medical fees, legal costs, and the surrogate’s compensation all added up to a figure that took my breath away.

It was more than overwhelming, it was a sobering moment that made me question everything.

Undeterred, I shifted my focus to Kenya, hopeful yet cautious. The agency was advertising single men or same-sex couples were welcome. This change in direction was not just a geographical shift but a mental one as well.

I was learning to adapt, to remain resilient in the face of financial and regulatory hurdles. This part of my journey wasn’t just about finding a surrogacy agency; it was about navigating the intricate interplay of economics, law, and international boundaries in the quest to become a father.

Choosing Kenya as an option for surrogacy was a decision that didn’t come lightly. In Kenya, with its unique cultural tapestry and legal framework, the landscape of surrogacy presented a blend of opportunities and challenges.

It meant navigating a system that was markedly less regulated and predictable, in a setting where medical and legal resources might not mirror those available back home.

With the approval of my lawyer, I gathered my courage and made the tough decision to move forward. With a deep breath, I nervously sent off that first payment of $20,000. It was a big risk, but I had to trust that it would pay off in the end.

The true start of my journey was marked by four unsuccessful embryo transfers, each one taking a toll on my emotional and mental well-being. I began to doubt if parenthood was meant for me, wondering if it was God’s plan for me to remain childless.

With each failed attempt, a small part of me felt like it died inside, the pain nearly unbearable.

I never fully comprehended the meaning of being “speechless” until I woke up on Friday, April 19, 2018. It seemed like any other typical day, with my mind racing with thoughts and worries.

Suddenly, my phone buzzed, and a notification popped up: “Lab Results.” It was just a simple message, nothing elaborate, yet it left me at a loss for words.

My heart didn’t just skip a beat, it felt like it was doing a full-on gymnastics routine. There was this mix of curiosity and apprehension as I reached for the phone, feeling like I’ve been down this road before. Every time I received a notification like this, my hopes would soar like fireworks, only to come crashing down in bitter disappointment.

But this time, something in the air felt different. I tapped open the email, and there it was: Five simple words that held so much power. “First test results. Positive. Congrats.”

Just two weeks after receiving that first, life-changing email, I received another one that completely blindsided me. As I clicked, expecting a routine update, I was hit with unexpected news: The ultrasound report stated plainly and coldly that I was having twins. Twins!

“Twins” reverberated through my mind. Excitement and happiness filled me, but there was also a heavy realization of what it meant. I wasn’t just becoming a father, I was becoming a father to two babies.

And let’s be honest, a single father to two! The weight of this responsibility hit me like a ton of bricks.

Reflecting on my past, I am certain that God only gives us what we are capable of handling. At first, my life changed drastically, but now I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Through this experience, I have discovered more about myself than I ever thought possible. From feeling completely overwhelmed in the beginning to finding resilience in the chaos, my views on parenting and life have transformed greatly.

It’s not just about facing challenges. It’s also about cherishing the little triumphs and happiness that come with being a father.

My quest to become a father was my declaration to the world: Families are built on the same fundamental values of love, care, and acceptance, not about who makes up the family.

Every step, from the initial decision to go down the surrogacy path, to the moment I first held my children in my arms, was about affirming these values.

I created a little world for my children where they know they are loved unconditionally, cared for immensely, and accepted wholly. And if that broadens the narrative about family along the way, well, that’s just the icing on the cake.

Stella and Mia have just turned five years old, and it’s astounding how quickly time has flown by. They’ve grown from those tiny, cooing babies into lively, curious little girls who fill every corner of my life with joy and wonder.

Each day with them is a new adventure, a journey of discovery and learning. Their laughter and chatter fill our home with a warmth and vitality that I couldn’t have imagined before becoming a parent.

As they grow, so does my role as a parent. Guiding them, nurturing their talents, and instilling in them the values of kindness, respect, and curiosity. Their well-being and happiness are my top priorities, and I find immense fulfillment in seeing them thrive.

Stella and Mia are not just my children, they’re the center of my world, the source of my greatest love, and the inspiration behind so many of my thoughts and actions. They’ve brought a new depth and meaning to my life, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for them.

Joseph Tito, based in Toronto, is a content creator and author. As the creative mind behind The Dad Diaries, Joseph shares his personal experiences and valuable insights into the world of parenthood with a diverse audience.

His children’s book, “The Twin Diaries: Stella and Mia Meet Papa,” explores the topic of surrogacy, reflecting his own journey as a father to twin daughters, Stella and Mia. His book, From Jet Setter to Fatherhood, is set to be published in April 2024.

All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.

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