A boyfriend who felt “emasculated” after his girlfriend offered to pay for their share of the bill at a dinner with friends has sparked debate on Reddit.
In a post shared on Reddit by throwawayfreedinner, the 24-year-old girlfriend wrote that she and her 26-year-old boyfriend Ben, who have been dating for eight months, “are from different income brackets.”
The poster added that their latest dinner outing included three men, two of whom offered to get the bill, “as the guys usually do when we’re out.”
The Reddit poster wrote: “Ben quietly said to me that he wasn’t really comfortable with the guys paying for his dinner so I said I’d chip in with the bill…he’s now mad at me saying I emasculated him and made him look bad in front of my friends.”
Is the boyfriend overreacting, or was the poster being insensitive? Suzannah Weiss, a relationship coach and sexologist for the eHealth Project, told Newsweek: “I consider it a red flag when a man uses the word ’emasculated’ or accuses a woman of ’emasculating’ him.” Weiss said that the boyfriend in the latest Reddit post likely “has insecurities around his masculinity.”
Liv Talley, a dating coach and relationship expert, told Newsweek: “I think Ben is overreacting. If he’s uncomfortable that people know his girlfriend pays for him, that’s a personal problem.”
However, divorce attorney Holly J. Moore, who is the owner of the Moore Family Law Group, told Newsweek that “in this scenario, it’s crucial to consider both sides of the issue.” Moore said that Ben’s reaction of “feeling emasculated and concerned about how he appeared to her friends” is a valid emotional response.
The boyfriend’s reaction is not surprising as “Americans place a higher value on a man’s role as financial provider,” according to an August 2017 survey by the Pew Research Center.
The survey found that around seven in 10 adults (71 percent) say it is “very important for a man to be able to support a family financially to be a good husband or partner,” while only 32 percent say the same about a woman.
‘Totally Absurd’
The poster wrote that her boyfriend said he “sometimes feels a little bit weird” about the couple being from different income brackets. This is “because he is a gentleman at heart but he says it’s hard to treat me since I’m not really impressed by his gestures.”
The poster added that she told him: “I’m not concerned about these kinds of things either way, but it comes up periodically.”
When the girlfriend offered to pay their share of the bill at the dinner, Ben thanked her but asked whether he could pay and have her “pay him back afterwards because he didn’t want them to know I was paying.”
The poster added: “This struck me as totally absurd because firstly, it’s an unnecessary step, second even split the cost was something I wasn’t sure he would realistically be able to cover, and third I felt like he was trying to enter a p****** contest with my friends which was just childish.”
After declining Ben’s request, the poster told everyone that she would chip in a third of the bill.
“No one batted an eyelid, but Ben was sulking…I think he’s overdramatizing it because my friends couldn’t care less and he needs to get over himself. Am I in the wrong for not letting him ‘save face’?” the poster asked.
‘Toxic Cultural Ideals of Manhood’
Weiss said that the use of the word emasculated or emasculating “usually denotes that someone subscribes to toxic cultural ideals of manhood, particularly the notion that strength, stability, rationality” and—as in the case of the latest Reddit post—”financial success are male traits.”
A man who feels uncomfortable with a woman paying for his food at a restaurant “likely buys into traditional gender roles and has insecurities around his masculinity,” Weiss added.
A woman who feels comfortable doing so, however, “likely doesn’t buy into these roles or want a man who requires her to validate his manhood,” Weiss said, adding that this couple may be incompatible for that reason.
Talley said that, if the boyfriend goes to a dinner that he can’t afford, “he has no right to accuse his girlfriend of ’emasculating’ him” by paying for the dinner and being open about it because he decided to attend that dinner “knowing his money situation.”
Boyfriend’s Reaction ‘Not Overdramatic’
Moore said that the poster’s decision to pay her share of the bill directly and announce her contribution “may have been well-intentioned, but it inadvertently created discomfort for her boyfriend.”
While her actions may not have been intentionally insensitive, “the boyfriend’s reaction is not necessarily overdramatic. It highlights the importance of clear communication and mutual understanding in any relationship, particularly when it comes to financial matters,” Moore added.
Weiss said that the poster should talk to her boyfriend about “why this interaction made her uncomfortable and the fact that it doesn’t feel right to her to be dishonest so that he can feel more masculine.”
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‘This Is Not a Man/Woman Thing’
The latest post has sparked debate among users on Reddit, including several who defended the boyfriend’s reaction.
User fluffticles wrote: “I think you are not considering how Ben feels at all. I get it, you make more, you run with a richer crowd and money is no big deal to you. That’s not the case for him. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment…this is not a man/woman thing. It’s about pride and looking like a deadbeat. I’m surprised you don’t understand that.”
User bigbucks1983 agreed, posting that Ben “probably wants your friends to like him/respect him and got put in a position he wanted to save face/not look broke. Rather than supporting him you intentionally went nah, I’ll pay, and didn’t give a damn how it made Ben look or feel.”
Others sided with the original poster, such as nioc14 who wrote: “Ben has an outdated and sexist vision of how couples should work in terms of who pays for what. And he is too focused on his public image…”
JackOfManyThings also agreed that the poster was not at fault, adding, “I don’t understand him taking credit for you paying. This is not normal.”
Newsweek has contacted the poster for comment via the Reddit messaging system.
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Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.