My Father Murdered My Mother. I Chose to Keep Our Relationship

On August 23, 1987, Selonia Reed was found dead in her 1986 Chevrolet Sprint in a vacant lot at a local convenience store in Hammond, Louisiana.

Her body was covered in lotion, and she had suffered blunt force trauma to her face with multiple stab wounds to the body, including an umbrella between her legs.

Selonia Reed is my mother.

Nearly 40 years later, on November 18, 2022, Reginald Reed Sr. was found guilty of second-degree murder in Selonia’s death by a unanimous jury and is now serving life in prison.

Reginald Reed Sr. is my father.

Being raised by a single father who is currently serving a life sentence in prison and maintaining a strong connection with him despite his involvement in my mother’s murder has been a complex journey.

It’s a complicated web of navigating conflicting emotions, understanding the intricacies of love and loss, and grappling with the impact of such experiences on my own identity and relationships, especially as a father to my own children.

Growing up, my father was a central figure in my life—a source of love, guidance, and support. He taught me valuable life lessons, instilled important values, and showed me what it means to be responsible and caring. Our bond was strong, built on years of shared experiences and mutual respect.

But everything changed when he was arrested and convicted for his role in my mother’s tragic death.

The revelation of my father’s involvement in such a heinous act was devastating. It shattered the image I had of him as a loving and honorable parent. It forced me to confront the harsh reality that people we love are capable of terrible things.

I underwent a painful process of coming to terms with the duality of his character. The caring father I knew who was very charismatic, involved within the local community and heavily involved in the political arena was the same person capable of committing a crime that tore our family apart.

Despite the betrayal and heartache, I made the difficult decision to maintain a relationship with my father.

There were moments of anger, resentment, and confusion, and I often struggled with conflicting emotions—wanting to distance myself from him while also yearning for the connection we once had.

It was a delicate balancing act of setting boundaries for self-preservation while not completely severing ties with the person who played a significant role in my upbringing.

There were discussions related to the crime, legal proceedings, and past grievances that I found too emotionally taxing or potentially damaging to revisit repeatedly. These topics were off-limits or approached with caution during our interactions to maintain a semblance of peace and emotional stability.

Additionally, I limited the frequency of communication with my father to prevent overwhelming myself with conflicting emotions.

While I valued our connection and wanted to remain present in his life, I also needed space and time to process my feelings independently. This balance allowed me to maintain a sense of self-preservation while still acknowledging the complex bond I shared with him.

Over time, I realized that forgiveness doesn’t always mean condoning or forgetting. It’s ultimately about finding peace within myself and letting go of the anger and bitterness that consumed me.

Forgiving my father didn’t erase the pain or justify his actions, but it allowed me to release the burden of resentment and focus on healing and moving forward.

Our relationship, though changed forever, evolved into something different yet still meaningful. We communicate through letters and occasional visits, discussing mundane aspects of life and occasionally delving into deeper topics. There are moments of shared laughter and tears, acknowledging the past while trying to find moments of connection in the present.

The experience of having a father in jail has undoubtedly influenced my journey as a father to my own children. It made me more aware of the complexities of parenthood—the mistakes we make, the lessons we impart, and the impact of our actions on our children’s lives.

It taught me the importance of honesty, accountability, and unconditional love.

As a father, I strive to be transparent with my children, acknowledging my imperfections and learning from my mistakes. I emphasize the value of integrity, empathy, and resilience, knowing that life’s challenges will inevitably test us.

I am mindful of the legacy I leave for my children and the importance of nurturing a healthy and supportive family dynamic.

I felt so proud of being a father when my 4-year-old faced a difficult situation at school. Instead of lecturing him or dismissing his feelings, I sat down with him and listened empathetically.

We discussed the importance of resilience and finding constructive ways to deal with challenges. I shared a personal story from my own experiences where I had to overcome adversity, highlighting the value of perseverance and maintaining a positive mindset.

This conversation not only strengthened our bond but also taught my son valuable lessons about facing obstacles with courage and resilience at a very young age.

I am living in a gray area—a middle ground of having a strong connection with my father despite his incarceration and involvement in my mother’s murder.

And I have found this to be a profound and transformative experience. It has taught me about the complexities of love and forgiveness, the resilience of the human spirit, and the enduring power of family bonds.

While the journey has been filled with pain and difficult choices, it has also been a testament to the strength of the human heart and its ability to heal, grow, and find meaning in the face of adversity.

I choose to share my story because I believe storytelling has the power to heal and inspire. By sharing my experiences, I hope to connect with others who may have gone through similar challenges, offering them solace and the knowledge that they are not alone.

Writing a memoir has been a form of catharsis for me, and has allowed me to process my emotions, reflect on my journey, and gain a deeper understanding of myself and my relationships. It’s a way to make sense of the complexities of life and find meaning amid adversity.

I’ve also been given the chance to spark dialogue and promote positive change in society by shedding light on important issues such as forgiveness and redemption, as well as the intricacies of the criminal justice system.

It’s important to encourage conversations about empathy, understanding, and the power of second chances.

It’s also crucial to address the challenges Black men face in navigating their mental health. By opening up conversations about mental well-being, I aim to break down stigmas and barriers that hinder access to support and resources.

Through my advocacy, I strive to promote a culture of empathy, understanding, and empowerment, ensuring that everyone, regardless of background, has the opportunity to thrive and seek help when needed.

Most importantly, I want to leave a legacy for my children and future generations. I want them to understand the complexities of our family history, the triumphs and tribulations we faced, and the lessons learned along the way to serve as a roadmap for them, guiding them through life’s challenges with resilience, empathy, and courage.

Reginald L. Reed Jr. is an author and an accomplished professional in the pharmaceutical industry. He holds a master’s degree in business and global marketing. In his first book, “The Day My Mother Never Came Home,” Reed recalls the events surrounding the unsolved murder of his mother and the subsequent indictment and trial of his father, nearly 40 years later.

All views expressed are the author’s own.

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