Reason Mom Refuses To Remove Tattoo Of Trans Daughter’s Deadname Backed

A woman has turned to the internet for advice following a recent argument about her neck tattoo that has left her transgender daughter feeling extremely upset.

On February 11, Reddit u/Life_Jello_1304 referred to her two daughters as Maria, 17 and Anna, 15. She explains that the youngest came out as transgender 12 months ago.

The 36-year-old mom wrote: “I had no problems so long as her transition didn’t come in the way of school or grades. The problem however, is I have Anna’s ‘deadname’ tattooed on my body. I have had the tattoo since she was a toddler.”

According to a 2022 Pew Research Center survey, 5 percent of adults younger than 30 are trans or nonbinary—that is, their gender differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. The term “deadname” refers to the one they were given at birth.

In the viral post, the mom states that Anna becomes upset every time she sees the tattoo and has suggested tattoo removal surgery. However, the mom isn’t keen on the procedure that would involve lasers to get rid of the permanent ink from her skin.

She wrote: “It is just a tattoo and I don’t think I should have to get it removed to show my love and dedication for this new identity. Anna however has accused me of not taking her seriously, and that if I truly loved or cared I’d get it removed.

“I do understand getting the tattoo removed or covered would show dedication but I truly do not see it as necessary. I think she’s being absolutely ridiculous pushing the issue. I’m an adult after all and can make decisions about my own body, just as she can. This issue has put a strain on our relationship and now she barely looks at me these days.”

Newsweek discussed the post that has 6,700 upvotes with Dr. Daniel Boscaljon, co-founder and director of research at the Institute for Trauma Informed Relationships. His work involves looking at how unfortunate childhood experiences disrupt who adults become as people, parents, and partners.

“Many people find the use of their deadname to be uncanny at best, traumatizing at worst. It automatically associates them into one of the most difficult times in their life, which many people have described as being imprisoned in a wrong body or wrong life. Visible reminders of this past life can be incredibly disruptive, harmful, and understandably avoided.

“When someone in a person’s life does not celebrate the choice of a new name, even if it does not affect their mental health in a way that associates them into a traumatizing time of life, it can hurt relationships. Even unintended slights during difficult times sometimes become a deciding factor for once-close relationships growing distant. This is why people who undergo significant life-changing experiences as adults—especially kinds that result in new names—often find entirely new communities.

“The mother in this case makes many good points about her rights to make choices about her body. Commonly, pointing to one’s personal rights interferes with many other positive options that would help relationships continue forward. Looking to what might be possible as a way to support a person undergoing a life-affirming transition often opens up fresh options as a way of reaching forward toward a future relationship.”

So far, the post has racked up over 700 comments and the top one alone has 24,900 upvotes.

It reads: “Listen…not going to comment on if you’re an AH or not, but is this really the hill you want to die on? That being said, DO NOT tattoo their new name on your neck. This is a stupid idea. They are 15 and I can almost guarantee they will change their name multiple times before settling on one. If you are going to cover it up, cover it up with something else entirely. Their birth month flower, perhaps?”

Another user said: “Can confirm—mine came out as nonbinary and decided to change their name. I’ve their ‘deadname’ tattooed on my forearm. Kiddo was on me to change it or cover it up. Three years later kid is still nonbinary but is going back to their birth name by choice.”

A third comment suggested: “A band-aid or a tattoo to cover it would also be good options. Names are pretty minimal and honestly it would likely look better as a cover tattoo than a removal. Bonus points if OP covers with a butterfly or other symbol of change/growth.”

Newsweek reached out to u/Life_Jello_1304 for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.

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