Woman Telling Truth After Keeping Quiet for Sibling’s Husband Cheered

A woman “getting heat” for telling her father that her brother-in-law had “a crush” on her has sparked debate on Reddit.

In a post shared two days ago on Reddit’s Am I The A****** (AITA) sub, user r/Fresh_Ad_7431, a 31-year-old woman, said that her half-sister Ellen, 34, and Ellen’s husband Tom, also 34, had a baby and “during this time they started having problems.”

Tom became a regular visitor to the poster’s home, where he “began unloading his problems” over drinks with her husband and “by extension, me,” the poster said.

“One evening Tom was quite tipsy and admitted he’d developed ‘a crush’ on me.” Ellen later found out about it and said “she and Tom would never be in the same room with me again after ‘what I’d done’,” according to the poster.

Mario Palacios, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) based in Los Angeles, told Newsweek that “this is a very messy situation” and “Ellen’s outraged response is a symptom of the larger problems going on within her marriage and also the dynamics of this family.”

Sibling relationship dynamics can uniquely shape a person’s development.

An October 2018 study in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence noted: “Although often overlooked in the literature on adolescence, sibling relationship dynamics play a key role in youth development and adjustment.”

The study found that being the target of “sibling relational aggression” was associated with depressive symptoms, risky behavior, self-worth and romantic competence “at the between-person level, and with risky behavior and romantic competence at the within-person level.”

‘This Rift That I Didn’t Cause Was Unfair’

After Tom revealed he had a crush on her, the poster said he “profusely apologized for this and we’re fine now, but obviously I just prefer some distance.” But after Ellen found out, she “screamed at me for the whole situation,” the poster said.

According to the poster, “this all came to a head over my dad inviting both of us and our families to NYE and getting mad that Ellen wouldn’t come if I was going.”

Upset that Ellen would not be at the gathering, the poster said her father “started ranting at me that we needed to grow up…” The poster got “sick of being berated” and told him what happened with Tom.

The poster said her dad is “furious” and “seething that no one told him and that he has been acting like things are fine with Tom this whole time,” while “Ellen is furious with me for telling Dad, saying I did this on purpose and have ruined things with Tom after she’d worked so hard to fix them.

“I feel bad for the results, but I also feel like carrying the burden of this rift that I didn’t cause was unfair on me in the first place. I kept quiet when I didn’t have to, but once I was getting heat over it it just became too much. AITA for spilling?,” the poster said.

‘It Was Not Her Place’

Palacios said the Reddit poster should not have revealed what happened with Tom to her father “because it was not her place to tell him about Ellen’s issues with her husband.” He said it would have been “more appropriate” to tell her father to talk to Ellen or to tell Ellen to speak to the dad.

The LMFT explained that “it’s Ellen’s responsibility to talk to her father and tell him the truth about her own marital issues and the problems they’re creating with her half-sister.”

The ideal approach would have been for the two half-sisters to speak with their dad, telling him that “their lack of family togetherness isn’t about a desire not to spend time with him, yet assuring him that they’re working to fix the problems,” he said.

‘Scapegoated’

Palacios explained that “in families that have poor communication, each person tends to take a particular role” and the caregiver role is about “trying to make sure everyone is okay.”

He noted that this “caregiver” poster has been “put in the precarious position of having to be blamed for why everyone in the family is not getting along.”

If the family’s style of communication is “one where avoidance is a big strategy and sharing thoughts and feelings not encouraged…main issues are not discussed and someone gets scapegoated—in this case, the poster,” he added.

‘You Did the Right Thing’

Several users on Reddit sided with the original poster, such as r/MidwestPanic69 who said she is “NTA [not the a******], your sister made the problem about you, lied to your dad about what the problem was, and caused the rift in the family over her own insecurity. You did the right thing in all of this, and you shouldn’t have to take the heat for being the adult in the room.”

r/Encartrus said: “Tom developed one-directional feelings while being estranged from Ellen. Her blaming you for the situation is nothing more than displacement of her own anger at Tom and insecurity in her relationship with him…NTA”

Others questioned the poster’s behavior, such as r/Ririkkaru, who said they were “NTA but letting BIL [brother-in-law] hang out at their place all the time when they know there is a newborn at home and sis is there all alone isn’t cool at all.”

r/MCGameTime wondered why the poster never told Tom something like, “hey, we love having you over, but you do have a newborn at home and maybe you should help your wife out?…”

User r/magicpenny defended the poster on this point, noting: “It’s no one’s job to tell BIL [brother-in-law] to go home and be with his wife and baby…”

User r/katencam agreed, saying: “But it’s not OPs [original poster’s] responsibility to sort out sisters marriage or to defend herself when she did nothing wrong…”

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment via the Reddit messaging system.

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